Thursday, July 29, 2010

[Serial] Will Chandru Kalakkify? (aka Amu-kky Vaasippala?)- Part 2


Roughed by the days’ happenings, with a grimace, Chandru got down to work. He was drained completely yet he had to do what his boss had asked him to do. His mind was like that of a zombie waiting to ghoul on his boss. He opened his communicator and searched for the associate’s name whom he was supposed to approach regarding the networking problem.

Amuthavalli? How on earth can peoples have this name and all ? Our peoples have a very decent and modern tradition of having names like ‘Sreesanth’ , ‘Bindhu’, ‘Kichu’, ‘Reshma’ . Wish I got a chance to talk to someone whose name was a sweet poetry like the Chakkapazham Halwa J

By now you must have guessed what had happened? Yes, Chandru pinged Amy thinking he had pinged Amuthavalli. Realising the mistake shortly, he was in a sticky situation whether to continue the conversation with Amy or to apologize and ping the right person thereby doing his work. After a moment of deliberation, he decided to flirt with Amy for after all if she were hot (of course there’s no way he’d find out right now), she would be his ‘Chanda’ and if not he had nothing to lose in his world of daydreaming. There with all his might, and a silent prayer to Guruvayoorappan, he pinged… THUD !


Humans have this uncanny ability to express their thoughts in words. What humans lack sometimes is the ability to think. This often results in a lot of words being exchanged, especially when there are many people in conversation, and little actually being said. Which was precisely what was happening in the conference call Amy was in… Of course, she had company in Alex, at the other end of the line. About the only redeeming aspect of these calls was the hilarity that used to ensue when Alex, with his American accent spoke and everyone derived new meaning from his words, ultimately resulting in Alex sending out a mail to the team after the call, detailing everything that he said and hence defeating the purpose of the call itself.

There wasn’t much work today and as she got back to her seat, Amy chose to ignore Umesh’s chat window. Marriage… Something that would change her life forever… Curtail her freedom; if that’s what she could call her current state…Maybe even make her quit her job. She didn’t want to get hitched this soon. She wanted to enjoy life, though she didn’t exactly know its exact definition. She wanted to have some fun.

Fun came in the form of popup chat window. The name read Naryanan, Chandramouleeswaran. He had asked about some network issue she had no clue of and then realized he was looking for Amuthavalli and not Amruthavalli. However, the conversation didn’t end there…


The chat:

Amy (A):

I think you're mistaken. I'm not amuthavalli. I'm amRuthavalli

Chandru (C):

Hey am sorry da. I did that by mistake without knowledge

Amy’s Mind Voice: ”Da” it seems. Talk of making mistakes with knowledge!


No issues

Chandru’s Mind Voice: What to start with now?


Hey what kind of work you do?

A: I pluck lice out of hairy males in office. What's his problem?

I write code. I guess we all do, don't we?


lolzzz ya but my work is so boring ya.. i listened to music and read e books in the meantime

A: Oh my IQ just shot up triple digits knowing that. Is today "world talks to Amy in bad english" day or

what!! Ok so Mowglee wants to have fun! Time to give back. Localese ahoy!

Ya ma. Wat to do. I also listen all kinds of musics da.

C: Pat on my back. Its working successfully more than my code !

What kind of music you listen ? I love A R Rahman , Shakira and most of all my favvourite is BSB.. they are just awesome and they rock the world . I can also sing their songs fully

A:I bet you have a secret fetish for Nick Carter!

Oh even I listened ya, but now and all only Tamil fast musics. I like that Bailamo Simaro Lano song very much

C: Huh ?? What song is this ? May be she is telling some other English song . Lets pretend to know it

somehow and manage it by talking about books.

I also like that song so much. Anyways do you read books da?


Yes I do. You too a?


Hey books are my favourite pastimes da. I read Chetan bhagat' 'two states' 15 times you know ? I loved that book so much da. It just talks about love and lovers nicely

A: I bet your first book was five point someone!

Oh I haven't read that

C: Wow ! Success ! I can talk about the book and show how good am I in literature !

The book tells properly about the state of lovers in our country da. You know all the problems lovers face in our country na ? Thats so nicely written in that book anyways you also read the book and tell ur experience to me da

What are the other books you read ?

A: Ayn Rand, Amitav Ghosh, Wodehouse

I read Harry Potter. I will read two states ya. It seems very interesting da

Hey I call you Mowgli means ok va?

I like that name da


Hey thanks so much da. I like the name so much how do you think of that name ?


Oh simply. I like that jungle book on tv ma. You want keep me name?


Hey of course da Wait thinking of a name.. But your name is very old ma. You not feeling sad about that?

A:The guts you son of a… !

No I dont. I am happy with my name yaaar. You dont want means dont keep name. Bye


Hey no no da. Dont get angry like this. I'll definitely keep you one name. Is JLo ok ?

Cozz i like her voice so much ma. My room full of her posters onyl

A:Does JLo know this!

Call me Amy da. Better. No, not angry

My turn bimbo!

So mowgli, what other stuffs do you like?

C: She don’t even know Backstreet boys but wants western name ha ha

Amy eh ? It sounds very cool ma I like the name so much. Its as sweet like you


How do you know I am sweet da? You are clairvoyant?

Oops he doesnt know what it means

I mean are you future teller by reading mind?

C: Cha i missed a chance to impress her! Thought of googling the meaning of the word ! lets manage it

Hey i know that word da. Anyways i love freaking out with friends and then partying , dancing and all

A: Agree with the “freaking people out” part! Where do you party? Ahobila Mutt?

Oh hey me too ya. You know we very similar I think.

Hey Mr.Desperate, catch this!

So you have a girlfriend a? Party with girlfriend a ;-)

C: Wow she asking because she’s interested maybe! I don want to give her wrong message!

JLo you sound very comfortable da. I like talking to you . I dont have girlfriend ma. I dont have enough money with me da so they dont come to me at all .. lolzzzzzz

A: I am SO impressed and just waiting to go out on a date with you mister. Here doggy, go fetch!

Ha ha but not all girls like money minded ya. You know, I should tell you something.

But its ok

Leave it


Hey please dont put suspense da. Tell me please ma

A: Bait taken and swallowed whole!

no no its ok


you may get angry by it

C: Wow what is she gonna say? So exciting!

please da. dont put puzzles and go away. My mind will be spining later

you tell da

A: Didn’t you know Shakuntala Devi’s my aunt?

I don know you that much so difficult to say it da



A: Only if you roll over and play dead

don force !


okay da. its upto you da

A: Giving up so soon??

don mistake me da


but i already feel very close to you da. if u dont tell me ,its ok da

but remember i'll be always there for you nu

A: Yeah Chandler Bing I know you will!

I think of telling but hesitate because only today I know u.

thanks dear


you have to tell everything to your dear ones only then you'll feel light ma

please tell me na

A: Actually what I want to say is…

(To be continued)

Monday, July 26, 2010

Will Chandru Kalakkify? (aka Amu-kky Vaasippala?) - 1

Ok so here I go again, attempting a serialized story. Only this time, I have a partner in crime, Deepika Padmanabhan, who will hopefully make sure the story actually reaches a conclusion. And for a change we’re developing opposite characters, so while I write about the female protagonist, Deepika takes up the hero’s character, just for added insanity.

Prologue: I know this is like the part most people hate because no one ever gets to the point, so we’ll cut to the chase. The prologue ends here.


Plastic flowers decorated the office entrance, as did plastic smiles on the faces that looked at her as she entered her cubicle. She smiled back not at anyone in particular, but not missing the look on Umesh’s face. Umesh had been hitting on her the past few days. She didn’t have a problem with that, for Amruthavalli Thathachari had been hit on by quite a few guys. What she did have a problem with was when the moment she unlocked her system, Umesh pinged her on the office communicator.

“Hey Ammu what da why late today”

She wasn’t proud of her name, but wasn’t ashamed of it either. But she couldn’t stand people calling her Ammu or Valli. Alex, her client, called her Amy and she loved it and wished others called her that too. Now, Amy as we will call her going forward (failing which this story wouldn’t see the light of the day or the darkness of the night, she threatens), wasn’t your typical “wear tee shirt on Friday because she has to” female. She was hep, preferred Stanley Kubrick and Mahendran to Steven Spielberg and Gautam Menon, a voracious reader and beautiful. A little headstrong maybe in the opinion of Iyengar aunties she met at weddings she had no reason to attend but was forced to, but she couldn’t care less about what they thought.

She had no time to give an imaginative reply to Umesh, for she was already late for the call and after quickly checking mail, was off to the conference room. Amy knew she would hardly be able to concentrate on what they were going to discuss, for her mind was preoccupied with something else. Her parents had opened the topic of her marriage this morning. Ammukutty was 23 and it was time they started sharing her “jathagam” and find a suitable “boy” in a well to do family, working in a company, in “foreign” and so on. She wasn’t in love with anybody, not yet, but she wasn’t prepared for marriage. Definitely not to some jerk who did “Sandhyavandhanam” in the US twice a day with wash basin water, went to office with “srichuranam” on his forehead and yelled at his offshore team in bad English over phone.

Meanwhile the onsite call had started.

“Hi Team, can you able to hear me a?”

* * *

The hero of the story is our very own Chandru whose official name is Pallakad Chandramouleeswaran Narayanan. He did not want to be stereotyped as the “tybical palakkad iyer” and hence wanted to do something absolutely zany just to prove a point to the world and to himself. He woke up from a dream of taking marijuana at Columbia and being frisked by the police when his mom yelled at him saying ‘Chandruu nee panradhu seri illa akum… “

For a semiconscious second he actually thought his mom had found out that he’d fagged but it dawned on him that she was yelling at him because she had found out posters of Penelope Cruz and Angelina Jolie in bikinis in his room. He was bewildered to find out that his mom had kept bindhi on their foreheads and turned them into proper Desi girls . Frustrated at this, and the fact that he kept bumping only into girls wearing a ‘colourful white saree’ with hair drenched in oil more than the oil wells in Iraq, he was finding himself in a no-man’s land.

What frustrated him even more was missing his office bus and having to take the local transport. In some time he was reduced to a small lump in the middle of an ocean of his sweat. His polite request to push the window back gave him about 10% of ventilation. He decided to get off the bus. There was no point in doing this for another 2 hours. And then just when he was about to do the “you-open-the-window-or-I-puke-in-your-face routine”, it happened. He got a seat near the window thankfully and managed to reach office before his manager did so that he would have his privacy to check all the hot updates on MSN.

“Chandru could you please ping Amuthavalli T and find out what the ticket status is? She’s from the networks team”

And thus came the opportunity, disguised as a typographical error on Chandru’s part. An error that would forever change his life!

(to be continued…)